The butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.

Fad diet #1

2008-11-27T22:29:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been thinking about going on a diet. I'm about average according to my doctors, but seeing as everyone in Australia is getting fatter, maybe average isn't the best place to be.

Obviously, eating right and exercising is the best way to get healthy, but when I hear about these fad diets, I'm tempted to try them to see if they work.

So, I am going to start trying them, and documenting them to see how they work, or if they work at all. I don't want to try anything stupid, like not eating anything at all, or a tape worm. Incidentally, I read a story about a woman who wanted a tape worm to lose weight because she wanted a quick fix, which is gross.

The first fad diet I want to try is the Beyonce Cayenne Pepper Diet. It's a Master Cleanse Diet, and it's pretty extreme. It requires abstaining from food for at least the first two days. This is what you need for the diet-
2 Tablespoons lemon juice or lime juice
2 Tablespoons real maple syrup
1/10 Teaspoon cayenne pepper
8 oz water

Yikes. I'm not going to see any results just after the first two days, but I'm going to drink this disgusting concotion for two weeks, as well eating fruit and veggies after the first two days. I don't think it's going to work, that I'm going to go on a binge after the first day.

Ah well, the diet starts tomorrow.

Advertising campaigns that don't quite work..

2008-11-27T22:14:00.000-08:00

There's a new advertising campaign for Domino's heart clogging pizza, the 8 Meats Pizza. It has basically a whole barnyard of animals on it, except for faun, and the ad shows a faun ringing up Domino's because he wants faun on the menu.

Besides wondering why a faun would want people to eat him, (what is he, a cannibal?), it seems Domino's workers aren't aware of the ads. One of my friends ordered that pizza over the phone, and decided to be funny by asking for faun. I told him they probably get it all the time, and they'll be so sick of it they'll spit in his pizza. The man on the other phone answered, "What? Should I just put lamb on it?"
And my friend replied, "Yeah, okay."

And Hungry Jack's ad, where people stand in front of the counter, shell shocked and holding up their hands like they're holding a burger to order a Whopper, doesn't work either.

This is what happens when people try to be funny.

Domino's pizza's: Hoo-ah! The sound your heart makes when it resigns.

Christmas is coming up

2008-11-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

Which means there's a chance for you to show your friends and relatives how little you know them by getting them crappy gifts. It's the thought the counts, right? Even if no thought went into the present, or if what you thought was actually the complete opposite of their personality.

If you're unsure about what to get, here's a guide-

Go the safe route, and get a gift voucher, or money in a card. Sure, it can say you have no idea what they like, that you'd get something so horrible they'd hate you and return it as soon as possible, or you couldn't be bothered looking; but they'll be able to purchase something they actually like.

Remember one or two aspects of their personality. Me, I like to read. Pick any book off the shelf. If you're lucky, you may remember that I watch televison, and stumble across a book about television. However, be sure to check your idea with someone else, you wouldn't want to buy the same thing for another person, like my mum and aunty did last year when they both bought me the Chaser Annual for 2007. I read them both at the same time, double the entertainment (or double the shit, if you're not a fan).

Be careful about regifting. It's fine to do, if you haven't used the gift too much, or if it's an item of clothing, it doesn't have any stains on it. If you really have some stuff you don't use, you could always donate it to charity. But, if Good Sammie's isn't that close, it's easier to give a friend or family member that you're not that fond of, and thus don't want to spend that much money on. A handbag that you've only used a few times will do the trick, but remember to remove used tissues, movie ticket stubs, and any clues that signal this was your gift in the first place.

If these ideas fail, you can completely give up. Any old shit will do. Take my aunty, who gave me a year old horse calendar, with a $2 sticker on the front of it. Or the time she gave me some nail polish, which deserved a name like "Diarrhoea Delight" based on its shade. What about something a fourteen year old is sure to love, like a broken slinky? Awesome! Watch it do absolutely nothing!

Prop 8 passed...can celebrity marriage be banned next?

2008-11-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

A little while ago, Proposition 8 passed in California, which means California's constitution will define marriage as between a man and a woman. The end result is that same sex marriages have been banned in that state.

One of the arguements against gay marriage is that it would disturb the sanctity of marriage, after all, marriage is a sacred act and not to be taken lightly.

But there's something even worse than gay marriage that could destroy the ideals of marriage...the celebrity marriage in Las Vegas, and the divorce that soon follows when they sober up.

Peaches Geldof is said to be divorcing her husband of three months, Britney Spears got an annulment after being married to Jason Alexander for two days; and Zsa Zsa Gabor has been a bride nine times, one of those marriages only lasted a day.

And yet, Ellen DeGeneres has been with Portia De Rossi for four years, and they had a wedding ceremony in August this year. Obviously, they pose a threat to the sanctity of marriage, because neither of them has a willy.

(I'm pulling these facts off the internet, I'm not that obsessed)

I think it's funny..

2008-11-27T20:57:00.001-08:00

How no one in my family will change the time on our clocks. The one in our car is seven minutes fast, and because of daylight savings, one hour behind. No one can be bothered to change it, but whenever you want to know the time, you've got to add on one hour, and take away seven minutes.

Missing: Amy Winehouse's beehive

2008-11-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

When I saw Amy Winehouse running about England without her beloved beehive, I felt compelled to make a missing poster for it. I'm sure she's got enough on her mind, like......

Well, she shouldn't have to worry about trying to find that naughty little ball of hair. I hope she appreciates the poster, and if someone does find the beehive, they should contact their nearest rehab facility, because you can probably get high from just touching it.

It's just not Wino without the hair.

For now...

2008-11-19T03:54:00.000-08:00

How I love that picture.

I should stop wasting time tapping away on here, so I'm going out to garden. Good night.

Am I a bad person?

2008-11-19T03:25:00.000-08:00

Because I would totally wear these pyjamas...

Except probably not with my arse hanging out, although I guess that would come in handy if you had a bad case of diarrhoea and can't be bothered taking off your pants. Or, if you're a prostitute, and you're tired, or cold, you can do a bit of anal while staying warm. If my mum ever saw this, she would roll her eyes and tisk, but I don't think she'd be too surprised about me talking about anal sex.

Footsie PJs are H-O-T!

This is why people hate me

2008-11-19T03:15:00.000-08:00

I can't remember people's names or phone numbers, but I know way too much about Brad and Angelina, and other useless information.

Babies, babies, babies

2008-11-19T02:46:00.000-08:00

I love babies, I really do. Except for when they scream and shit, and I hand them back to their mothers, very glad that I will not be having babies for a looooooooooooong time. But sometimes I wonder if I should have kids at all.
It was this article on Jezebel that made me think about people who shouldn't have kids, that they're just not the right type of people.

I wonder if too much emphasis is put on feeling this rush of love at first sight, like instantly loving your child. This woman only knew her adopted son for two weeks, before returning him. At first, I thought she must be incredibly cold, and how could she return this little boy, like a handbag or a pair of shoes? Treating a human being like they're replaceable and dispensable. But surely it must be better for her to admit she wasn't the right mother for him, then to bring him up in an unhappy and resentful home.

When you meet someone, you don't love them the second you see them, so is that true for children? Do you have to learn to love them, as they develop their own personalities?

Babies make me anxious, I feel like I'm going to screw up immensely when they're about. When I hold them, I imagine elaborate situations where I drop them, or hurt their fragile necks and heads.

When I think about it, a lot of things make me anxious, like the ocean. What about sharks, jelly fish and Steve Irwin's ghost?

The more I think about all that, the more I get scared. I guess you just have to take things as they come. But the dream of a house in the suburbs with the white picket fence, marriage and children, just isn't right for some people, it's best to figure that out before children are involved.

Denis Leary is an ass hole...but not that big of an ass hole

2008-11-19T02:22:00.000-08:00

I think his book was meant to be taken as offensive, but it was his remarks about autism that really offended groups. And obviously people are going to be offended when he calls their kids- "... just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.”
I just watched him on The Daily Show, where he defended what he said, and he came off less douche baggey than I thought he would (yes, douche baggey is a word, as of just now).

And I can understand where he's coming from, when it comes to autism. My two younger brothers are autistic, and while I get riled up when people say there is no such thing as autism, I get even more pissed off when people self-diagnose themselves as having autism, or a form of autism such as Asperger's. Also, Asperger's always sounds like Ass Burgers, like the people who diagnose themselves after reading about Asperger's on an internet forum.

He probably just said this to get publicity for his book, but I have met many people, one case in particular that made my blood boil. A woman who used to work at my brother's primary school, the primary school that I attended as well, which was very small, and hired this woman to work as my brother's aide instead of someone who is actually trained. After she met my brother, and worked with him, she began to say her 12 year old daughter, who was at a nice, private school, was autistic, despite her never showing a sign before her mum met my brother. This woman took her daughter to many, many doctors and psychologists, before finally meeting a medical professional who diagnosed her with autism.

Then, this woman began to collect payments for her daughter, such as disability pensions, which my own mother wasn't eligible for, despite having two disabled children. She also collected single parent payments, although she wasn't seperated from her husband yet, and didn't seem to be short of money, as she had 4 kids in private school, and an enormous house and 3 cars. Somehow, she was able to manipulate the government into paying for her tummy tuck, and 2 boobs jobs (she had them reduced, and then made bigger again).

I have to keep away from her, because she disgusts me. No matter what is said to the government, she continues to get away with exploiting the system.
She was almost found out, a few years ago, when two psychologists who had used to work with my brothers, tried to re-evaluate her daughter, and she tried to get them fired.

Autism can be heart breaking for many families, but those who claim to "cure" it (cough cough, Jenny McCarthy), and those who diagnose themselves, can eat my poo. You are stupid or lazy, but you're probably a combination of both.

I do agree with Denis Leary, but fuck him. I'm sick of actors like Tom Cruise who pretend to know shit about medicine, or psychology. Some morons will actually believe you, so shut up.

This is why people hate me

2008-11-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

When I ask how people are doing, or if they would like a drink, I'm secretly wishing they will say fine, and leave it at that.

I don't really care all that much, I'm just trying to be polite.

Family conversations

2008-11-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

Ma Baker: Hey, what does this say?
(She refuses to get glasses, even though she clearly needs them.)
Me: What does what say?
(I was drying my hair after getting out of the shower as I walked over to her.)
Ma Baker: Why were you walking like that?
Me: What do you mean?
Ma Baker: You were waddling.
Me: No, I was just scratching my arse as I walked.

An alternative form of transport

2008-11-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

Too bad I didn't get a photo of this, if I try it again I'll have to video tape it, and screw up while I do it so I can send it off to Australia's Funniest Home Videos. If I put my own stupid sound effects in, will they play it and give me money?

Okay, I'll save that for another day, as today I was environmentally friendly. Instead of travelling around in a car, I sat on my skateboard, and held my dog's tug of war toy. My puppy, Lucy grabbed onto the toy, and walked backwards, pulling me along.

I think I'll suggest it to the government, so everyone can get in on the act.

How rude of me...

2008-11-17T19:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't introduced myself yet. Please, pull up a chair (if you're not already sitting on one, although most people sit on computer chairs near a computer. Mine resembles a stool on wheels, because my brother broke off the arms and back. Not that good for your back, I have to say), grab a drink.

That is a picture of me, as I was learning to read, and grabbing any kind of reading material I could get my hands on. And, of course, every parent needs to take embarrassing pictures of their children to show to friends and family.

I'm Miss Candle Stick Maker, because my family's surname is a profession, for example, Baker. In my primary school, there were two boys whose last names were Cheeseman and Cheesemaker. When my teacher once talked about names, and some of the meanings, I sarcastically asked what their names meant. A girl turned towards me, squinted her eyes like she was thinking deeply, and said in all seriousness, "I think it means...someone who makes cheese."
I was very grateful for that insight. Never would have figured that out.

I recently graduated from high school, just this year. I was very disappointed in myself, for not being more average. On my report card, I had two A's, a B, and three C's. I should have strived for blandness, to get C's across the board. Not that there's anything wrong in getting C's, but I'm so average in everything I'm surprised I didn't get them for every subject.

Unlike my classmates and counter parts, I'm not out working full-time, or applying for university or TAFE. I would be working full-time, but I just quit my job. They were being arseholes about the fact that I have to have an operation in December, during Christmas shopping. Which I guess, is fair enough, if it weren't for the fact that I told them during my interview, and on my first day of training, and they fell about telling me it was fine, that they were glad to have me on the team! I don't understand why they couldn't get someone to cover my shifts, seeing as I only get one or two shifts a week. It was just easier to blame me, I guess. So they said they were going to replace me before the end of November, which I don't believe. They always came in under budget, they didn't have enough money for me to have two shifts a week, they can't afford to replace me.

At this time last year, I had three part-time jobs. How the mighty have fallen...yeah, not really. There's no point in me applying for another job and working there until my operation because the training will take too long, and no one will employ a girl who can work there for a week or two, and can't be there when it's going to be busy.

I'm also not applying for TAFE, because I have no idea what I want to do. I have applied for university, but I don't particularly like the courses I applied for. I think I find out if I got in on Christmas Eve, which is sure to depress me for the entire holidays, so I'm going to ignore it until my holiday cheer has drained away.

Since leaving school and quitting my job, I've been at home much more than I ever used to be. I've become addicted to bad TV (Girls of the Playboy Mansion, The Rachel Zoe Project, etc) and cleaning. I need a hobby, like stamp collecting.

Enough about that, I should talk about my family. I live with my mother, Ma Baker, and my two younger brothers, who both happen to be disabled. They are B1 and B2, alike in what seperates them from the rest of the world, but still so different. I guess they couldn't improve on perfection, after my parents had me. That's totally it. I've hardly seen my father, who I have lovingly nicknamed Arsehole. He recently bought me a car, which I appreciate, but I don't one nice gesture is going to make up for years of abuse.

My entire family is crazy, especially my Scottish, homicidal grandfather. I can never understand a word that he says, and one of the rare chats I had with him, ended up going exactly like this-

Him: Blah blah blah

Me: I'm sorry, what did you say?

Him: Huh?

Me: What?

Him: HUH?!

For the moment, I think that's a pretty good introduction. I hope you enjoyed it, if you didn't, it's not my job to entertain you.

Family conversations

2008-11-17T00:12:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a regular topic, as I recall and write down some conversations between my family that make me laugh.

This convo happened before the execution of the Bali bombers, when my mum (Ma Baker), my aunty and my cousin were discussing the execution, and how it would change the mood in that area. A lovely dinner conversation, of course.

Ma Baker: I've heard that some extremeists might kidnap some Westerners.
Cousin: What, Western Australians?
*Pause*
Me: ...
Ma Baker: No, Westerners, like from the western world.
Cousin: Why would they do that?
Me: (quietly) For the lulz.

A sign that the theory of evolution is defunct

2008-11-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

Today I was trying to reach a file from the top of my cupboard. I looked around for the step-ladder, and couldn't find it anywhere. And then I saw my fit ball, in case you don't know what a fit ball is, here is what they look like-

My ball looks just like that one, except it's covered in silly string. Someone thought it would be funny to spray silly string all over my room many years ago, and I noticed it had stained my carpet and fit ball. If I can go off on a tangent, I tried to clean it by putting it in my shower, spraying it with water and soap (which didn't help, silly string is a bugger), when the ball got stuck in the shower.

I think if I tried that pose, I would crack my skull. Which I very nearly did on my fit ball today. With no way to reach what I wanted, and no time to grow an extra metre, I turned to my fit ball. I rolled it towards the cupboard, and as I put one foot on top of the ball, a thought flashed through my mind.

"I must be realllllllllllllly stupid to be trying this. I'm going to slip off and break my back."

I reached the top of the cupboard, and grabbed hold of it, as I lifted my other foot onto the ball.

And just as I had imagined, it flew out from underneath me, leaving me hanging. I grabbed the file, and tried to lever myself down gently, but I couldn't hold on and get down at the same time. The only way to get down, was to let go and fall. I fell down, grateful that my fat arse had provided some padding, as the ball rolled back towards me.

First post, hoorah!

2008-11-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

This is my first venture into the world of blogging, and I'm pretty sure I need a map. I have no idea how to use HTML, edit layouts, and all that jazz.

It could be worse, because I may only know the basics of computers, my aunty is afraid to turn her computer on. When I was helping her with her résumé, she stood behind, peeking out from behind her fingers. She was afraid I was going to blow up the computer, especially when I used the enter key to make paragraphs.
"Oooh, I don't know about this. I don't think you're doing it right." She muttered.
"It's fine, what's the worst that could happen?" I replied.
"The computer could explode!"
"I think the only way the computer could blow up because you pushed enter is if a little pop up said- 'Would you like to blow up your computer? Y/N' and you pressed enter."
"I'm still not sure."

I think I'll just use this blog to talk about my family, television, and some other random things. If anyone reads this, I hope you enjoy it! And if you can help me make this look more attractive, that would be appreciated.

Eat something delicious for dinner tonight.