Family conversations

Ma Baker: Hey, what does this say?
(She refuses to get glasses, even though she clearly needs them.)
Me: What does what say?
(I was drying my hair after getting out of the shower as I walked over to her.)
Ma Baker: Why were you walking like that?
Me: What do you mean?
Ma Baker: You were waddling.
Me: No, I was just scratching my arse as I walked.

A sign that the theory of evolution is defunct

Today I was trying to reach a file from the top of my cupboard. I looked around for the step-ladder, and couldn't find it anywhere. And then I saw my fit ball, in case you don't know what a fit ball is, here is what they look like-

My ball looks just like that one, except it's covered in silly string. Someone thought it would be funny to spray silly string all over my room many years ago, and I noticed it had stained my carpet and fit ball. If I can go off on a tangent, I tried to clean it by putting it in my shower, spraying it with water and soap (which didn't help, silly string is a bugger), when the ball got stuck in the shower.

I think if I tried that pose, I would crack my skull. Which I very nearly did on my fit ball today. With no way to reach what I wanted, and no time to grow an extra metre, I turned to my fit ball. I rolled it towards the cupboard, and as I put one foot on top of the ball, a thought flashed through my mind.

"I must be realllllllllllllly stupid to be trying this. I'm going to slip off and break my back."

I reached the top of the cupboard, and grabbed hold of it, as I lifted my other foot onto the ball.

And just as I had imagined, it flew out from underneath me, leaving me hanging. I grabbed the file, and tried to lever myself down gently, but I couldn't hold on and get down at the same time. The only way to get down, was to let go and fall. I fell down, grateful that my fat arse had provided some padding, as the ball rolled back towards me.